No shy winks here. Go “Down the Rabbit Hole” for real thoughts from Jessica Rabbit about her very real sex life.
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE — Bangkok draws a myriad of men from across the world. You’ve probably heard of the loser type who migrates to Thailand because he couldn’t make it in his own country. While true to a certain extent, of course there are exceptions. If you’ve been here long enough, you’ve likely tasted the international buffet of men in this city. Here’s the lowdown.
The Cheap-O American: I’m not sure why they call it “going Dutch” when it’s only ever the cheap-ass American guys who want to split the bill on a date. Like poet-philosopher Chris Rock once said, nothing dries up a pussy faster than a girl having to reach for her wallet. Yet these guys still have it easy here. There seems to be a craze over men who come from the states, even if it’s one of the lesser-known redneck parts like Iowa or Minnesota. Local girls especially seem to get wet over hillbilly Americans, as if their green cards were waiting for them under the bedsheets.
The Desperate Indian: It’s both funny and sad when an Indian guy thinks his best pick up line is: “I want to make you my wife.” [cue side-to-side head bobbing]. This could actually work as a joke but he’s dead serious about it. Truth is most Indian guys have it pretty tough in the dating world. The kama sutra doesn’t exactly pop into mind every time I see an Indian guy. Chicken tikka Masala and curry do though, and while they get my salivating it’s not the kind of thought that makes me wanna jump into bed with a guy.
The Rude-Ass Nigerian: “Ey! You woman! Where is your boyfriend? Eh! I’m talking to you!” If you’re daft enough even glance vaguely in his direction after being addressed like that then you’re probably dumb enough to fall for his money borrowing-scheme too. These men will never see you as anything more than a mark. If you’re going down that path at least get your money’s worth and make him work for it… pleasuring you with his big black dick. Don’t even try to deny that doesn’t sound tempting.
The Hot Tempered Italian: Speak up your woman-mind against him and watch him go all Godfather-berserk on you. The mafia streak runs deep even though they’re oceans away from the motherland. Italians can be charming at first, and who doesn’t love a good plate of pasta made with Mama’s secret recipe? But it’s not just the anger management you have to worry about. Italians can be shady as hell when it comes to their business dealings. Just make sure you don’t sign anything official on his behalf.
The Jealous Thai: If you think your girlfriends are full of drama, just date a Thai guy and you’ll soon realize who the real drama queens are. The most fucked up part of it all is while you’re not allowed to converse with or breathe the same air as another guy, he’s out with the boys hitting up massage parlors left and right. The term “gig” didn’t emerge from thin air, and it’s not unique to the men. If you can’t live without him, at least have some fun on the side as well.
The Cheesy Frenchman: Expect flower petals scattered in a heart shape on your bed and hundreds more crammed into your small condo. The local flower market makes romance obscenely cheap, but I’m not saying that the French are. These men really do know how to treat a woman well. You can say the four-letter word within weeks of dating and not only will he actually stay around, but most likely he’ll be saying it right back to you. Get ready for an overload of mushiness to make the best of us puke.
The Fast Japanese: When I say fast I mean it. The Japs know what they want and how to get it (usually by paying). There’s a rule of threes when it comes to these business savvy men: Three inches, three minutes, 3-thousand baht. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Especially since you probably won’t even feel their tampon-sized weenies. Plus their idea of sex is sometimes as mundane or strange as having you walk around in nothing but your panties and then letting them sniff your underwear. That’s it. Finished.
The Opulent Chinese: If ever there was a time to date a Chinese man, it’s now. That is, if you want to live a high-roller life. Walk into a Louis Vuitton store and tell him you want “that one” (in Mandarin it’s “ni ge”). Without a moment of hesitation he’ll have the salesperson ring up 10 identical pieces for no other reason than he can. Just don’t think that you’re the only one getting the special treatment. A man is only as faithful as his options and when you’re loaded like the Chinese are these days, options abound.
The Sexy Spaniard: For some reason Spanish guys just ooze sex appeal. I can’t put my finger on it because it confuses me why someone who sounds like Ricky Ricardo could turn me on, sort of. Maybe it’s because they’re always well-groomed and spend hours at the gym to make their bodies look like sex machines, generally speaking. That broken English mixed with an almost infantile outlook on life makes them out to be the male bimbos of Bangkok. I’ll take one home any day.
Go further down the rabbit hole:
Sex in the tropics: 9 tips for getting off without blowing your boiler
Believe it or not, I dated a hot virgin in Bangkok
Reader Interactions